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More Transformer Movies…*sigh*


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When I was a kid Transformers were awesome.  There was this heavy metal theme song, awesome toys that were like two toys in one, and a cartoon that was full of exciting action.  What was my favorite Transformers episode?  Who knows.  I don’t remember anything beyond the fantabulous veil of nostalgia.   Sometimes things are just not worth dragging out after a couple decades because you risk ruining just how special they were.  It has that Pandora’s Box effect.   You know not to open it.

No one gave that advice to Michael Bay though.  Or maybe they did and he just couldn’t be bothered to listen.  Either way, he’s been ruining my childhood ever since.

Since 2007, there have been four Transformers movies released.  They have made a lot of money.  So much money that I can’t really blame them for making more.  The trouble is that as far as I’m concerned the movies are terrible.  I’ll give you three examples as to why I think they’re a travesty.

1.) The action is far too busy with too many things going on.  The Autobots and Decepticons should be a bit more stream-lined.  They look like crap.  I mean when you look at the cartoon, everything is boxy and even.  Then you see this movie where there’s a billion wires and parts.  They look ugly and scary.   Okay so they look like crap, the action is far too busy…you know what that means?  It means you see a lot of blurry robots zooming around and blowing up.  Many of the movies seem to have armies upon armies of Decepticons to the point where they have zero personality and hardly any distinguishing features.  They’re just…grunts I guess. It’s hard to follow what’s going on despite the attempt to try to demonstrate just how glorious the battles should have been.

2.) The plots are way too convoluted and have too much to do with humans.   For one thing…why is the military so prevalent in all of the movies?  You basically have a situation where the humans are now hunting down the Transformers for parts so they can ultimately make their own?  What? This is a story about the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons.  I think you guys forgot about that when you decided to focus far too much on the human characters.  The first one wasn’t too bad with Sam getting his first car and all that…but suddenly he’s going to college and having awkward experiences and then he’s trying to get a job and being obnoxious while juggling women problems and the military is trying to explain what happened on the moon and fighting…wait what are the Autobots doing again?

3.) The human drama and attempts at humor are just awkward.  The least of the offenders is the uncomfortable and awkward teen drama with characters that aren’t that interesting to begin with.  Worse are the masturbation jokes, marijuana jokes, and sexual jokes involving cyborgs with psychotic weapon tongues and robots that have wrecking balls for gonads.  I mean seriously! Who outside of the handful of people that like the Scary Movie franchise enjoys this crap?  It’s awkward.  Super awkward.  Oh and then you have Mark Wahlberg’s character having a conversation with his underage daughter explaining to him why she’s legally allowed to date an adult male.   TRANSFORMERS…GARBAGE IN DISGUISE.

My goodness.  The movies are a trainwreck, but they’ve made buttloads of money.  Buttloads!  Sadly even I have seen the first three in the movie theater.  The fourth one I eventually saw on Netflix.  I wasn’t going to pay for those movies anymore and it really wasn’t worth the price of curiosity.  But rest assured…Hasbro is giving the world what it wants.  More Transformers movies…

President and CEO of Hasbro Studios, Stephen Davis, had this to say in his keynote speech at MIPJunior 2015: “We decided that we wanted to plot out the next 10 years of the Transformers franchise…We got together in a room over a three month period of time… and they plotted out the next 10 years of Transformers. Similarly we’re doing the same in television and in digital.”

What…

Ten…Years?

Are you kidding me?  How is your childhood doing right now?  Are you keeping it safe in a warm little ball of happiness and joy?  They’re killing the TMNT, they’re killing Transformers, and now…well now they’re just urinating on the remains at this point.

Look if they want to make another Transformers cartoon, I’m game.  I mean that’s essentially what the franchise was for in the first place.  You had this rather unique situation in 80s cartoons with GI Joe and the Transformers and He-Man and Voltron and everything had this kind of tacky way about it, but it was fun.  I get the feeling that the Transformers movies try to be this dark, brooding and serious franchise while still trying to remind people that kids love them.   Sadly I don’t know how a child can even associate with those movies.  And honestly some of the scenes are so awkward in nature that I don’t even think a little kid should even watch them.

So what’s the deal, Hasbro? What are you going to do?

Well apparently you’re hiring Akiva Goldsman and Jeff Pinkner for the script.  Okay Akiva wrote A Beautiful Mind.  That’s great. He won an Oscar for that and it was a pretty good movie.   However he also wrote and produced a ton of terrible movies too.  Batman and Robin being the most condemning piece of trash.  Ew.  Pinkner has a list of writing for a lot of prolific nerd favorites such as Lost and Alias.  That’s great for him as well.  However considering he also participated in writing The Amazing Spider-Man 2 which caused Sony to eventually decide to share Spidey with Marvel again…well…I think that stands for itself.

 

Sometimes cartoons just aren’t the same in live action.  Sometimes fans like to see things through rose colored lenses.  And sometimes you have people that just want to toss in a franchise and milk them for everything they’re worth.  That’s what is happening with the Transformers franchise.  Oddly enough…its working.  People are throwing their money at them.   Age of Extinction, the last of the movies, was made with 210 million.  Box Office? 1.1 Billion dollars.

At this rate, Transformers V is going to make billions and billions of dollars, and since what they’re doing works for the masses, they aren’t going to see any reason to slow down.

What did you think when you watched Transformers IV?  Did you think it was worth that much money?  Let me know how you feel about the Transformers franchise in general, or Transformers V that’s coming out, or even movies 6, 7, and 8 that have been announced as planned.   I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

 


Categorized as: Entertainment



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